August 26

In my fantasy world I’m on my way to pick my daughter up to take her out for a mother-daughter 30th birthday day!  In reality, I have only memories. 


On this day thirty years ago, I was a young nervous newlywed giving birth to my first child. I was so excited, scared and life was full of promise. She was perfect, so beautiful and full of smiles.  I am so grateful that I was able to celebrate sixteen birthdays with her, but at the same time I am so angry that I have now missed fourteen birthdays. 


Photos flash through my mind, often bringing tears, sometimes bringing smiles. Sad, happy and angry memories are all that is left.  Not all moments are cherished, but they are all part of life. Camping trips, bubble blowing giggles, road trips, and so much more.  I can’t change what happened, I can’t bring her back, but I can try to focus on the beautiful memories and shove the ugly ones to the back of my mind. 

She was the oldest, the leader of the pack.  Without her guidance her brothers have struggled, but have grown into fabulous young men. Would things have been different if she lived?  I wonder would she have children of her own?  Would she be in love, maybe married? 

I believe she is watching over us, our own private guardian angel.  The ache of missing her will never diminish.  But we are doing the best we can without her…..Happy 30th Birthday Kayla!

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