Tears, laughter, sunshine and rain in the space of moment. That’s life, and unfortunately it can include panic, anxiety and depression. Some of you will understand this statement, others will have no idea what I’m talking about.
There are moments I feel all alone in a hellish situation that seems like it will never get any better. Yet in reality I am surrounded by people who are there for me, but I allow my anxiety riddled mind to get the better of me.
I have a difficult time being alone sometimes. Peace and quiet are a sanctuary for some, but for others it is a horrible gut wrenching feeling of loneliness. Memories I try to push away are front and centre, breathing becomes difficult, tears begin to flow and I look frantically for a distraction to break the approaching storm.
When these episodes hit they are exhausting, they can happen many times each day and into the night. I have read so much information on how to break the cycle and move on. There are volumes of information, tips and tricks and only you will know what works for you. For me, it is a variety of things depending on the situation.
Sometimes at night when I close my eyes, panic starts. My mind goes to a slide show of horrid memories, things I would rather forget. Breathing exercises help slow my mind down and focussing on the alphabet replaces the slide show, sometimes. Other times I doze off just to wake from a nightmare with tears running down my cheeks.
Panic attacks in a public place are made more difficult because often times I try to appear normal when all I want to do is get out of there now. It is horribly embarrassing. I have worked really hard to be able to centre myself, and focus on someone or something going on in the room. Almost like a mini meditation.
Being alone is one of my hardest situations. Often times I am my own worst critic, and at these times those fears and judgements are circling like a pack of rabid dogs. These moments scream through my mind and a hellish storm of emotions is created. One minute I’m fine, the next in tears all because the memories are so abrasive and cruel.
We are all human. In this life we all have tragedy and scores of happy memories. Each and everyone of us has a history, a path of events that we have been through. Memories, good and bad, that follow us through life. These moments are what has made us the person we are. I like to believe that my experiences have made me a stronger, more compassionate woman than I would otherwise have been. And for that I’m grateful.